What I Did on my Summer Vacation

Summer 2015.  After waiting so long to become a mom, I was finally going to have the whole summer to spend with my little girl.  There was conversation of play dates with my mommy friends, and mommy and me classes to attend.  I had never been so excited for summer break.  And, as a teacher, I had ALWAYS been excited for summer break.  This one wasn’t necessarily going to be super relaxing, with a baby to take care of, but it was going to be glorious.

Best laid plans…

So, after multiple IVF attempts a few years back, subsequent miscarriages, and finally choosing the path of adoption which led us to our sweet girl, I learned something I never thought was possible.  I can get pregnant from having sex. (Dad, if you’re reading this…sorry).

John and I were in shock.  I mean, total, utter and complete shock.  We were going to have a second child.  Our little baby was going to be a big sister.  Another baby was on the way.

I am not going to lie…I did not necessarily find the idea of having two babies less than 18 months apart super appealing.  I was scared of how this curveball would affect Charlotte, our carefully planned finances, my job at a new elementary school, and our lives as a whole. 

But, our families were filled joy over this news.  Once the initial shock wore off, John joined them.  But me?  I was trying to manage my nausea and such bad dry-heaving that my voice became shot.  I had almost no energy and spent much of my time laying on the couch feeling sorry for myself that my summer plans with my daughter were shot as well.  Many women can endure first trimester woes far greater than I can, I am sure.  But stuff like this has always brought me to my knees.  I am a giant baby when it comes to stuff like this.  And that’s an understatement, people.

After my blood work showed a hint of a possible issue, we had an early first ultrasound.  There it was.  A tiny little baby with a strong heartbeat.  John stood next to me and held my hand as the sweet sound of our baby’s heartbeat filled the room.  So, yeah folks, we were for sure going to have another baby. 

Life went on, the nausea and exhaustion continued, and we went for our next ultrasound.  John, Charlotte and I settled into the exam room and the Dr. began the ultrasound.  In an instant I knew as I looked at the screen.  There was our tiny baby, but without its heartbeat…almost two years to the day of our last pregnancy loss.  Just like last time, there was zero warning and I was having no “textbook” symptoms that indicate any pregnancy issue.  Just like last time, the rug was pulled out from under us.

And it sucks.  The whole damn thing just sucks.

Since then, Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Pricilla Chen, and actress and blogger Eva Martino (Susan Sarandon’s daughter) have shared that they too have suffered pregnancy loss.  In reading their statements on the matter, they both brought up an important question: why aren’t we talking about miscarriage more?

In piecing this post together in my head, I tried to count the people I personally know who have suffered pregnancy loss.  You know what?  I lost count.  That in of itself is a sad fact, but the fact that we are left to feel lonely, sad, depressed and even shameful after pregnancy loss is a hugely sad fact as well.

If you are reading this and know from personal experience what I am expressing, I am so sorry for all you’ve been through and I am sending you a big hug.  If you are reading this and haven’t personally experienced this painful aspect of life, but know someone who has, do them a favor and be there.  Listen to them.  Let them talk about their little angel.  Bring them flowers, their favorite candy, or give them a long, tight hug.  Don’t offer advice on something you personally have not experienced.  Just do not do it. 

So, here we are a family of three that is staying that way.  But, as time passes, I realize how much I really would have loved for a baby to join our family, and to have been able to give Charlotte a sibling.  Sadly, it’s just not meant to be.  But was IS meant to be is having our amazing little girl, a wonderful husband and the support of our family and friends.

With a grateful heart that’s a little more broken than on my last summer vacation, I’ll take it.